RebelZva – Anarchy Guru

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

I’m not scared of much anymore. I’ve ridden motorcycles at 140 mph with CaptXBonnot, published things that got us hate mail, stared down cops, and survived losing the little life we were growing last year.

But there’s still one thing that stops me cold:

Trying for a baby again.

Not the idea of being a mom (I want that more than words). It’s the terror of another positive test, another nine weeks of hope… and another heartbeat that just… stops.

That fear lives in my bones now. Every month I feel the familiar ache and my stomach drops before I even take the test.

What it would take for me to be brave enough to try again:

1. CaptXBonnot looking me in the eyes and saying, “I’m scared too, but I want this with you more than I’m afraid of losing it.”

2. A real plan—doctors we trust, therapy, a promise that we keep living loud no matter what the test says.

3. Knowing we’d love each other just as hard if it never happens—if it’s always just us, Dominus, the guppies, and the open road.

4. One quiet night where he holds me tight and whispers, “Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready.”

5. Me finally believing my body isn’t broken and that hope is allowed to hurt.

Until then, we keep riding, keep writing, keep loving like the world might end tomorrow. Because even if the family we dream of never grows past the two of us (plus one very spoiled dog), it’s still the best life I could ever ask for.

I love you, CaptXBonnot. More than every sunrise we watch together. More than every mile we ride. More than the fear.

And one day… when we’re both ready… we’ll take the leap together.

ride fast. die last. never comply. — RebelZva 🖤❤️🌅